Suicide |
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| Date Added: April 17, 2010 04:11:39 AM | |
| Author: epsuccess | |
| Category: Health and medical: Depression | |
AN insight into a Suicide attempt- from the carer of a suicidal individual We wait... Waiting tense and concerned you know its coming but when, we do not truly know. The fear sets in when we notice my phone, a series of text messages; we had been out of phone range for a few hours enjoying a 4 wheel drive trip with the kids. The phone had came within tower range on top of the last hill, my family from 800km away had left text messages worrying you will not make it through the night. They were at least 2 hours old. The tragedy about to unfold, gathering thoughts, the steps needed to take, will the police be there, ambulance, coroner, my god funeral arrangements, will my worst fear finally have happened? The picture is vivid in my mind, the feelings are overwhelming, with still an agonising hour’s drive before we near home and no phone reception to call the police to check on you or call my family for an update. What will I find? Will you be in your car with a pipe on the exhaust, will you have a hole in your head and it splattered everywhere, oh god a cant bear the thought, will you just look peaceful and asleep from an overdose, will it be a good thing that you are finally at peace? The heart pounding the hands sweating and shaking, I’m sure I will have a heart attack myself in fear of discovering the outcome, Have I done enough, could I have done more, should I have been there earlier, have I failed him again. The reefing and nausea set in, waiting; will I find my worst fear? I know I have done this many times yet I cannot get that worst fear out of my head while at the same time trying not to show my anxious state to the children. Finally able to drop the children of at the neighbours and make my way to your gate, I look for your car, thank god there is no pipe on the exhaust, ok next, do I want to go in, and do I want to find you on my own? My heart filled with fear of what I might find, my hands are shaky, my head and shoulders tight like a pressure about to erupt and my mind is going a thousand miles an hour with possibilities, Slowly I start gathering myself together to be strong, to be in control, to not react but to interact with the situation. Then on hearing sobbing and thanking the gods you are still alive, I wander in as though nothing has happened and ask you how you are feeling today, keeping strong and sounding confident. I begin questioning your motives, what were you going to do? How were you going to suicide this time, what pills have you taken, I start ravaging through the cupboards, finding the empty foil slips, counting and noting what has been ingested, double checking with you, what have you taken, what did you drink with it? looking on feeling helpless unable to take this devastation away from him, why does he want to die, am I not enough to live for, have I done enough, the questions just flood my head until I too cannot think straight again. He says he is so sorry for my pain and I know damn well he is as I immediately recall the suicide notes from times gone by etched in my mind, we cry together for the heart ache this dis-ease is causing us both, He repeats you would be better off without me, I am no good like this, my heart is empty and the ache is too much to keep surviving, why didn’t I do a good job of it last time, your pain would be over already. We try and find a distraction to take away the focus of your impending death wish, we talk about things that will help you survive, your grandkids, great grandkids, fishing, camping, holidays, the new home we have built with our bare hands piece by piece together for you to live, but nothing seems to work at this moment, your heart is shattered, your mind is tormented by the internal thought process. We then begin the healing process, first the hospital to check you over and pump your stomach if needed, the councillors, psychologists, doctors, support personnel, appointments are made, treatment schedule started; step by step we begin the building process to get you on the road to recovery. You are sorry you survived and wish you were not found in time, this will pass, for a while at least. You promise me you will keep yourself safe tonight, and I trust you this time. I am relieved to have found you in time, Hoping this is not what you deep down really want, I take a breather and fall apart, away on my own where you are unable to see me, I sob and get angry with this dis-ease robbing you of your peaceful life. Finally pulling myself together I face the children and be happy knowing you are safe once again, today at least. |
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